“You’re an English major at Villanova right?”
“Oh no, Mrs. Marciano, I’m business and humanities.”
“Right…I must have thought that because I remember you telling me how much you love to write.”
I had this very conversation with my Chester County Voices Abroad roommate’s mother this past weekend at our most recent trip planning meeting. Her comment was an innocuous one but it has nonetheless reminded me of many conversations I’ve had with myself over these past two years during my academic career at Villanova. Ever since my first class as a part of the Villanova School of Business, the same question has been nagging at me from the back of my mind: “is this really what you want to be doing?” For a while I was able to silence that annoying part of myself, focusing all my attention on maintaining my GPA, but recently it’s come back to bite me, so to speak.
Whenever I explain my two degrees to people, they always wonder how business and humanities are related, and to be honest, I can’t even give them an answer. My decision to also pursue a degree in Humanities, now looking to add a minor in Art History is, in part, my last ditch effort to do something I’m really interested in. I’m warming up to business, I really am, but I still can’t help feeling that I decided to go into business to “fit in”, to get a “real” job, to do something that will make me money. But by doing so, have I sold myself out? Have I given in to the very consumerist culture that I rallied against in high school and continue to resent today? Have I given up my happiness to go after a career that is socially favored? Sometimes I convince myself that the answer to all of these questions is a resounding yes. Is it?
I don’t want money for the sake of money. I don’t want to be a cut-throat, take no prisoners kind of business person. I’m not interested in having four cars, or three vacation homes, or one of the mansion-esque houses I see as I drive to school every day. Despite sounding like I’m insane, I can honestly say that I’m concerned about providing for my future family. Reading my finance texts last semester put me in a sudden panic that I wouldn’t be able to pay for my children’s education or give them the same wonderful experiences my parents were able to give me. Taking my current interests and passions into consideration, it seems as though tacking on a business degree is the only reasonable way to ensure my financial security.
I remember many moments from my senior year quite clearly. I remember when Mrs. Barone, my vocal coach, Mrs. Campbell, my choir director, and many of my friends’ parents were upset that I wasn’t studying music in college. I remember when parents approached me after various plays and musical productions assuming that I was going to be a successful theater major. It’s true that I want to do all of these things. I would love to be able to dedicate my life to music or performing, I’ve dreamed about it since I was little. I love taking people away from reality into worlds that only the arts can create. Such worlds got me through some of the most difficult periods of my life, and I feel that it’s my responsibility to give that feeling to others as well. But I’m painfully aware of the competitive nature of the industries that I truly desire to work in. My chances of making it are literally “one in a million”, and I just can’t bring myself to take that risk. My friends who have chosen to follow their dreams when selecting college majors inspire me more than they will ever know. So what’s stopping me?
I do my best to maintain my passions on my own. I’m involved in Community Theater, sing in more choirs than I probably have time for, and write stories and this blog in my spare time, but I would love the chance to actually make a go of one of these careers. I’d love to go to an open casting call for a Broadway musical or film….I’m actually considering the upcoming open call to replace the current Broadway cast of Hair. I’ve thought about trying to write a novel and get it published. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think the thing that hinders me the most from going after any of these goals, is my fear. My fear of being rejected, my fear of wasting time on my dreams, my fear of altering the plan my parents have for me. I tell myself I’ll pursue these ideas after I graduate and have a job, but will I really? Will the family I might have become my next excuse?
Does all of this really mean I’ve sold myself out? Maybe. I’d like to think it doesn’t. Regardless, I’m still pushing to find that job that will meet all my interests. Fortunately, every kind of company needs someone proficient in Management Information Systems, and hopefully I’ll be able to find a theater, publishing agency, or museum that needs one around the time of my graduation. Who knows, maybe my habit of singing to myself while working could finally pay off!
"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." (Herman Cain)
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